Hello world I'm still here.

I write to you from day 1 of 3 day weekend bliss. I don't think I have ever needed a three day weekend as I do at this time in my life and today has not left any disappointments. Me and my love have the day off together and we are living a recluses dream day. The most we have done is run to the store for lunchables. lol :) It is nice to have those simple, slowed down days. Drunk on love with no expectations.

Later we go bowling with a bunch of people and I am pretty excited about that. In an hour I go shopping. So, all in all baby, this is the life. :D

I really don't have anything interesting to say, but I am trying to get in the habit of writing more and you blog readers ( if I have any) are my victims . MUAHAHAHA.

<3>

the smallest violin

So stressed out. It's unreal.


Sometimes the world feels too heavy.

Sharing.....

Aw hell, why not?! I'll post a couple of my poems to this here blog :D

ADDICTED:

Willingly I become a junkie for your validation
Just to feel the euphoria of your appreciation
Say it again...say it again..
One more time.

Clumsily I trip myself down the spiral staircase
Just to feel how well you catch.
The assurance of your sturdy grasp.
Don't let me fall...don't let me
I'm falling....

FRESH START:

Take all the breath out of my lungs
Snap my spine in two and pour the blood out of every vain.
Drill my skull till you feel the clay.
Extract any hidden layer.
Preserve these love soaked eyeballs
or burn them.
Don't forget the eyelashes.
Tweeze the nails out of place.
Blend all the muscles into one big ball.
The order doesn't matter. The timing, even less.
Just peel it back and make room for something new.

WINTERS DREAM:

The snow wouldn't stop falling today.
With no apologies, the sky released its cry.
It covered the roads, keeping wary indoors.
And swept away the dirt under a coat of white.

Silence.

It does not whisper in its passing.
Quietly, it just exists.
Solidifies each breathing moment
holding the world tight in an icy kiss.

Friend or foe, it surrounds.
Imploding each destination with graceful force.
One small piece at a time to reach the sky again.
Always moving to keep the world still.

Peace

Hope you enjoyed :)

tick tock tick tock

Oh my, oh my! Time does fly doesn't it ? I can't believe Halloween and Thanksgiving have passed and Christmas is just around the corner. It honestly boggles my mind! Where does it all go??

As I look back, I can't even really think of what I DID this year.. no really. what did I do this year?? Does anybody know?? I know it was 98% sober..(go me.) And for that reason alone it should at least be memorable. :P I worked at Joes for half a year..... and I... switched to mortgages... I went to Park City... I hiked a few times.. got into Zumba..( this is really hurting my brain.).. started and COMPLETED group therapy ( another go me.).... got better with money?? Sheesh. that was tough. My point is, Time is a sneaky bitch. You just live each week for your days off, your time off. You do the same thing over and over and before you know it, that's your life. Time completely freaks me out. I want to look back at 2011 and be like, I DID this and this and this and my life is better for it..because. That shouldn't be hard to do because I already have several things on 2011's agenda. 1. be off probation ( yay! ) 2. Get married ( YAY!) 3. Move downtown. ( HOORAY! ) but still... That is going to be my end of the year resolution. Make an impact. My life is becoming as selfish as this blog post. This could have a large impact on my restless unease and contention with my day to day...

Wish me luck!

I guess it's just how it goes....

Well... winter has fallen.. or arrived? However you say it, it's a bitch. and the happy seems to be evaporating out of me. I get so...... blue in the winter. I don't get it. The snow isn't THAT bad.. It's pretty and poetic.. the cold doesn't REALLY bother me.. It's refreshing and wakes up my lungs. but the sky is gray and the streets grow empty and my joy for living goes into hibernation mode.. I need to move to cancun. Yes, my insatiable nature will no longer be satisfied by California or Florida, or even Hawaii. Give me Cancun or give me death!! Or Jamaica .. Or the bahamas.. or Peter island( look it up and start drooling). Yes, any of these places will do... I better tell Austin... UNTIL THEN.... I'm going to start writing more.... and again. :) For better or worse, talent or no talent, writing makes me better. And if by the off chance any one in the entire world ever find me the slightest bit entertaining, I will keep this blog.

I have been thinking of making a new blog, on a different website. Even though I haven't done much with this one. I think that's just me trying to avoid the issue. Of putting brain to computer screen and getting the clicking sounds in motion. I am afraid of writing. I am afraid of photography and I am afraid of painting. It has been a ridiculously terrifying revelation. I am afraid of my own success. I subconsciously create roadblocks for myself and problems of why I cant do what I love, because I am AFRAID.... Of being good at it? succeeding at it?? maybe ... but I think not.. I have come to find that I am afraid....(drum roll please).. that I'm NOT. what if I can't write? No one will ever publish anything of mine and if someone did NO ONE would like it? My pictures were average and my paintings sucked? Then what? I'm not special deep and introspective Kimberly Megan Bauer.. I become desperate, ordinary, and..dare I say it? Plain?*shudders* Facing this fear could do one of two things. 1: keep me locked in a personal cacoon of insecurities. Tightly held inside the box and live a semi normal life. Or, 2: to hell with it. To hell with success and failure! Throw those two pretentious words in the garbage and live for enjoyment. I prefer the latter. All my life I have been surrounded by the fear of failing. The pressure to succeed , to be found wanting. WELL NO MORE! My life is going to be a series of enjoyable events. If I don't enjoy it, I wont do it. . I will live to enjoy. Spend time with people I enjoy and do whatever I enjoy. What an interesting idea.. Live to enjoy. enjoy to live.. it just might be crazy enough to work..

We are the Winter Ninjas!

So every winter without fail, I get an uncomfortable blend of fatter and sadder. I hate winter. There I said the H word. and I mean it. I have been dreeaaaaadddddiiinnng its arrival but it is still insisting on coming regardless. sooo...... somethings gotta give. Thank goodness for good friends right? My friend Denise and I decided to make a bajillion plans for winter, keeping ourselves active and busy. This should keep the humdiddily's away! So, then I thought, perhaps it would be a fun idea to make a to - do list and then a recall of each event on this here blog? it may move to another blog eventually, but you get the idea. :) I think it will be fun. So Most of the upcoming posts are going to be the winter ninja chronicles, with pictures and all that fun stuff.

The 1st to do list ( in the making , naturally) :

1. Snow shoeing.. How ironic we just " try to get into hiking" when the snow is days away.. snow shoeing will fix this dilema!

2. Wise guys comedy club- cuz everyone needs to laugh.

3. ROAD TRIP! Just when the winter has us on our knees and we just can't take it anymore, we will leave the snow and go to a much warmer climate. :)

4. Girls dinner! What girl doesn't like getting all fancy every now and again and turn a few heads in a nice restaurant?

5. Hot air balloon!!! Don't know if you CAN do that in the winter... but by George we will find out!

6. I think some sort of craft was mentioned.. i forget..

Obviously , the list is a little too short to last all winter. It is a work in progress :) Please let me know if you want to be included on any of the outings, or if you have any other ideas. Winter Ninjas for LIFE!!!... or at least this dreaded season. :)

reflections

Wow.... what a life! As I look back at my own personal history, I am amazed at the beauty of it all. Truly a crazy, ever-changing journey and I am so grateful for my own. I am so happy to know that I have lived. That I have loved and that I have....felt. The sweetest joy, irrevocable sorrow. I have experienced the deepest lonliness. The uncomfertable emptiness of being lost. I have felt the sacred warmth of someone loving me. I have felt the transformation of change, within my life and within myself. I have felt the sweetest happiness . The celebratory gaiety of togetherness. I have experienced so much and there is still so much to go. Even if it's not on this plane. I am so full of love tonight and want to share that with a few people.

Alex Simpson: Where to start with you my dear. You are my sister. I love you. And I care for you and your present and future. You are an amazing gift to the world and I am blessed to have you in mine :)

Chris Nickle: AMAZING. You amaze me. You are wise and you care. That is not always the case with people. I feel inspired by you and I look forward to an endless friendship with you.

To my Gina : You may be states away but you are in my heart! I am so proud of you and your journey! Never give up until you find the enlightenment you seek!

To all my brothers ( Sheldon, Cody, Nathan) Where the hell would I be without you guys? The most amazing group of men and they are my brothers!!! Such role models for me and for your children.. They couldn't have a better dad. I love you all so much.

Of course My mom: No one could ask for a better mother and best friend. Words could never describe how much I love you . Your happiness is my happiness and I want only the best things for you. I hope you know how much you are loved. I hope to be at least half of the mother that you have been.

To the family in laws ( sharon , wade and rysssa) Our paths have not crossed by coincidence. I love you three so much!! You opened up your home and hearts to me without hesitation, the world could learn from your kindness. thank you for all the love and laughter you have given to me. I am so blessed to be in your family.

Of course to Austin. Bubbaganoosh. Thank you for loving me just as I am. Thank you for never giving up on me. You pulled me out of a very dark place and have filled my life with light. You are my best friend and sweet lover butt. You have the other part of my soul.... thank God I found it ;P never change my love. I look forward to a life filled with you.

And to everyone else: Dan Dan , Rosa, falysia , mckel, Amber, Jessica and to everyone else I cant seem to name right now!... I LOVE YOU !!!! it's important to say that and I am not ashamed...

Peace and love to all. Thank you for being in my life,

Kim