I guess it's just how it goes....

Well... winter has fallen.. or arrived? However you say it, it's a bitch. and the happy seems to be evaporating out of me. I get so...... blue in the winter. I don't get it. The snow isn't THAT bad.. It's pretty and poetic.. the cold doesn't REALLY bother me.. It's refreshing and wakes up my lungs. but the sky is gray and the streets grow empty and my joy for living goes into hibernation mode.. I need to move to cancun. Yes, my insatiable nature will no longer be satisfied by California or Florida, or even Hawaii. Give me Cancun or give me death!! Or Jamaica .. Or the bahamas.. or Peter island( look it up and start drooling). Yes, any of these places will do... I better tell Austin... UNTIL THEN.... I'm going to start writing more.... and again. :) For better or worse, talent or no talent, writing makes me better. And if by the off chance any one in the entire world ever find me the slightest bit entertaining, I will keep this blog.

I have been thinking of making a new blog, on a different website. Even though I haven't done much with this one. I think that's just me trying to avoid the issue. Of putting brain to computer screen and getting the clicking sounds in motion. I am afraid of writing. I am afraid of photography and I am afraid of painting. It has been a ridiculously terrifying revelation. I am afraid of my own success. I subconsciously create roadblocks for myself and problems of why I cant do what I love, because I am AFRAID.... Of being good at it? succeeding at it?? maybe ... but I think not.. I have come to find that I am afraid....(drum roll please).. that I'm NOT. what if I can't write? No one will ever publish anything of mine and if someone did NO ONE would like it? My pictures were average and my paintings sucked? Then what? I'm not special deep and introspective Kimberly Megan Bauer.. I become desperate, ordinary, and..dare I say it? Plain?*shudders* Facing this fear could do one of two things. 1: keep me locked in a personal cacoon of insecurities. Tightly held inside the box and live a semi normal life. Or, 2: to hell with it. To hell with success and failure! Throw those two pretentious words in the garbage and live for enjoyment. I prefer the latter. All my life I have been surrounded by the fear of failing. The pressure to succeed , to be found wanting. WELL NO MORE! My life is going to be a series of enjoyable events. If I don't enjoy it, I wont do it. . I will live to enjoy. Spend time with people I enjoy and do whatever I enjoy. What an interesting idea.. Live to enjoy. enjoy to live.. it just might be crazy enough to work..