Living Life... OR is it living me?

I have a yearning desire inside of me and it has been there since my earliest memory. It is a raw curiosity. A wonderment , without going completely off my rocker I dare say it is my destiny. I have a great purpose and it pulls me through this life. There are times when I detach from this reality and I can see the puzzle pieces coming together. It's so beautiful. Perhaps the most beautiful, and of course the most painful. I can only seen the pieces that are connected. I can see the shapes they make in my life and I can appreciate what it took to get them there. But I still can't see what the grand picture will be. that is the quest. that is the journey. Regardless, I am farther then some. I know there is a portrait jumbled in these pieces of my life. there is  a reason I am drawn to this or that, to say this or that. to meet him, to avoid her. It's all so cosmic. I started reading, to find the author that changed me. I got into legal trouble to awaken the sleeping dreamer inside of me. Oh how I have missed her. I have been interested astrology and physic phenomena because I have a gift in it. I feel this is going to lead me into the next phase in my life. This and writing. Which is why I started this blog. Trying to write my book.... is a struggle unlike anything I have ever faced. I can see it being published. I can almost feel it in my hands, and yet I develop some sort of temporary paralyses as soon as I sit down to write it... Better bite the bullet. 

Of course we always have the power to change the path, to decide differently. But I feel so connected with this force that I feel like it is drawing me towards my peace. to my fulfillment, to my enlightenment. 

That leads to a question.. What do you think? Am I the only one who feels this way ? Or do others feel and believe this is a cosmic universe... that confirms the belief that we are all connected.. 

Peace and love,

KIM.

The daily Grind

The one thing I have noticed about life since I have really started living it, is there will always be stress. There will always be deadlines, bills your trying to pay, things your trying to save for, places and people you are trying to get to, etc.. It is enough to keep us all tensed up, telling our selves " I'll be happy and have some fun once  "BLANK" is done with. But it's bull shit. What I am coming to realize is if we spend our whole life waiting to rejoice when the storm passes, we will never look up to see how beautiful the rain is . Yeah, My car is broken down, Yeah I had an absurd amount of court fines holding me back this month, but it's July. And I'm in love.I have a good job with good people where on most days, I make good money. I laugh.  I dance. I socialize. I have family and friends who never get tired of me. so my days off are always full. I am healthy. I'm not a drug addict. I am a dependable employee and I make an effort to PAY all my bills. Three years ago I could not have said most of these things. Life is a  process. Life is a journey. 

On my last group therapy session a woman asked the counselor " How long until it's better? (until my goals are reached and people trust me ?" To which her reply was" How long it takes, is how long it takes." 

 

It made me think. And my response to her is, isn't realizing and practicing the change enough? That is all we have control over. There will always be things we want to change, fix, improve. IF there wasn't life would be BORING! Can you imagine two weeks from now everything you wanted, worried about, etc. was EXACTLY how you want it in life. There was no problems, you had no worries or stress.... then what? Sure the first month may be amazing, but after that.... THEN what? 

I hope I make some sense with all this. But To be cheesy, Life really is in the journey. :) 

The seductive love of Nicotine

Recently ,  ( Ok...FIVE  days ago.) I quit a three year long habit... I QUIT SMOKING! I didn't use a single patch or a single piece of gum. I didn't take any medication... I stopped smoking cold turkey!! For anyone who has ever smoked cigarettes, you can understand what an accomplishment five days really is. So I thought, what a better blog post then to share my journey to a nicotine free life, as well as the information that inspired/helped me through. 

Pre-Quitting: Me and my fiance Austin decided we would quit smoking and use that money to join a gym and start implementing physical fitness into our lives. You know, change out a bad habit for a good habit and further balance out life to be all good and  happy. We picked August 1st ( as to mentally prepare of course) but we got so good at the mental preparation, we decided on July 15th that we would quit Friday, July 16th. Smoke like a chimney that Thursday prior, saying an almost tearful farewell to that private time and enjoyment only a cigarette break could give.

Day One: I awoke in the morning and the first thought to come pounding into my brain: " O my God, I can't smoke today." So I closed my eyes and went back to bed until 12:30 p.m. When I awoke I got ready for the day and started cleaning with more vigor I have ever known. The only  way I can explain how uncomfortable that first day was, is to compare it to the middle of a panic attack, combined with too much caffeine in your system, and if a bee continued to sting you in the ass to remind you you were outdoors. Went to work, had a million suckers and ripped a couple peoples heads off... but I DID it :) 

Day two: Way worse.  Is every single driver and inhabitant on this earth a completely selfish, inconsiderate , mentally challenged jackass? Or am I just in a bad mood? Don't talk to me if you want to keep your balls. 

Day three: Not so bad :D I want a cigarette but it's more a habit to think about one then an actual craving.... a few irritable moments but well , for the first time.... I feel.... BETTER. 

Day Four: Hardly any cravings! Pretty decent mood! and honestly a TON more energy! I feel better, more enthusiastic about life, and the self esteem that I am a total bad ass. 

Day five: Going strong :D First day I walked into work without even thinking about having a cigarette first.

Some facts and inspirational messages : 

90% of people who quit successfully quit cold turkey.

Only 1/3 of the people gain weight ( and you CAN control that ) 

a friend told me " You can come up with a million excuses, but if you have another cigarette now, it's because you're weak. "  That really kept me going.

I'm not trying to come off as someone holier then though, and every smoker should quit if they want to be as cool as me type of thing, but I am proud of this personal accomplishment  and wanted to share this journey. I have already saved an estimated $35 in just FIVE DAYS! yeah, that's how much we used to smoke. Five days and counting :D WOO!

The advice of strangers

Through my 22 years of life, one thing I have come to realize is the advice of strangers can stick with you better than any schooling. There are things that complete strangers have said to me in passing, that has helped me in my life, and been an echo in my thoughts for years to come. I figured for my first blog, I would share some of this candid insights. 

" What if the thoughts you are thinking right now are creating your future?"

- First meeting with an insightful mentor in my life.

"How you handle this moment is how you handle your life."

- same person as above.

" Be accountable for your choices. No one is responsible for where you are, and where you go in life except you."

- Strange red neck man I waited on a few days ago

" Men are assholes. Never let them tell you what to do and always make sure they wrap it. "

- Table I waited on