Sharing.....

Aw hell, why not?! I'll post a couple of my poems to this here blog :D

ADDICTED:

Willingly I become a junkie for your validation
Just to feel the euphoria of your appreciation
Say it again...say it again..
One more time.

Clumsily I trip myself down the spiral staircase
Just to feel how well you catch.
The assurance of your sturdy grasp.
Don't let me fall...don't let me
I'm falling....

FRESH START:

Take all the breath out of my lungs
Snap my spine in two and pour the blood out of every vain.
Drill my skull till you feel the clay.
Extract any hidden layer.
Preserve these love soaked eyeballs
or burn them.
Don't forget the eyelashes.
Tweeze the nails out of place.
Blend all the muscles into one big ball.
The order doesn't matter. The timing, even less.
Just peel it back and make room for something new.

WINTERS DREAM:

The snow wouldn't stop falling today.
With no apologies, the sky released its cry.
It covered the roads, keeping wary indoors.
And swept away the dirt under a coat of white.

Silence.

It does not whisper in its passing.
Quietly, it just exists.
Solidifies each breathing moment
holding the world tight in an icy kiss.

Friend or foe, it surrounds.
Imploding each destination with graceful force.
One small piece at a time to reach the sky again.
Always moving to keep the world still.

Peace

Hope you enjoyed :)

tick tock tick tock

Oh my, oh my! Time does fly doesn't it ? I can't believe Halloween and Thanksgiving have passed and Christmas is just around the corner. It honestly boggles my mind! Where does it all go??

As I look back, I can't even really think of what I DID this year.. no really. what did I do this year?? Does anybody know?? I know it was 98% sober..(go me.) And for that reason alone it should at least be memorable. :P I worked at Joes for half a year..... and I... switched to mortgages... I went to Park City... I hiked a few times.. got into Zumba..( this is really hurting my brain.).. started and COMPLETED group therapy ( another go me.).... got better with money?? Sheesh. that was tough. My point is, Time is a sneaky bitch. You just live each week for your days off, your time off. You do the same thing over and over and before you know it, that's your life. Time completely freaks me out. I want to look back at 2011 and be like, I DID this and this and this and my life is better for it..because. That shouldn't be hard to do because I already have several things on 2011's agenda. 1. be off probation ( yay! ) 2. Get married ( YAY!) 3. Move downtown. ( HOORAY! ) but still... That is going to be my end of the year resolution. Make an impact. My life is becoming as selfish as this blog post. This could have a large impact on my restless unease and contention with my day to day...

Wish me luck!

I guess it's just how it goes....

Well... winter has fallen.. or arrived? However you say it, it's a bitch. and the happy seems to be evaporating out of me. I get so...... blue in the winter. I don't get it. The snow isn't THAT bad.. It's pretty and poetic.. the cold doesn't REALLY bother me.. It's refreshing and wakes up my lungs. but the sky is gray and the streets grow empty and my joy for living goes into hibernation mode.. I need to move to cancun. Yes, my insatiable nature will no longer be satisfied by California or Florida, or even Hawaii. Give me Cancun or give me death!! Or Jamaica .. Or the bahamas.. or Peter island( look it up and start drooling). Yes, any of these places will do... I better tell Austin... UNTIL THEN.... I'm going to start writing more.... and again. :) For better or worse, talent or no talent, writing makes me better. And if by the off chance any one in the entire world ever find me the slightest bit entertaining, I will keep this blog.

I have been thinking of making a new blog, on a different website. Even though I haven't done much with this one. I think that's just me trying to avoid the issue. Of putting brain to computer screen and getting the clicking sounds in motion. I am afraid of writing. I am afraid of photography and I am afraid of painting. It has been a ridiculously terrifying revelation. I am afraid of my own success. I subconsciously create roadblocks for myself and problems of why I cant do what I love, because I am AFRAID.... Of being good at it? succeeding at it?? maybe ... but I think not.. I have come to find that I am afraid....(drum roll please).. that I'm NOT. what if I can't write? No one will ever publish anything of mine and if someone did NO ONE would like it? My pictures were average and my paintings sucked? Then what? I'm not special deep and introspective Kimberly Megan Bauer.. I become desperate, ordinary, and..dare I say it? Plain?*shudders* Facing this fear could do one of two things. 1: keep me locked in a personal cacoon of insecurities. Tightly held inside the box and live a semi normal life. Or, 2: to hell with it. To hell with success and failure! Throw those two pretentious words in the garbage and live for enjoyment. I prefer the latter. All my life I have been surrounded by the fear of failing. The pressure to succeed , to be found wanting. WELL NO MORE! My life is going to be a series of enjoyable events. If I don't enjoy it, I wont do it. . I will live to enjoy. Spend time with people I enjoy and do whatever I enjoy. What an interesting idea.. Live to enjoy. enjoy to live.. it just might be crazy enough to work..

We are the Winter Ninjas!

So every winter without fail, I get an uncomfortable blend of fatter and sadder. I hate winter. There I said the H word. and I mean it. I have been dreeaaaaadddddiiinnng its arrival but it is still insisting on coming regardless. sooo...... somethings gotta give. Thank goodness for good friends right? My friend Denise and I decided to make a bajillion plans for winter, keeping ourselves active and busy. This should keep the humdiddily's away! So, then I thought, perhaps it would be a fun idea to make a to - do list and then a recall of each event on this here blog? it may move to another blog eventually, but you get the idea. :) I think it will be fun. So Most of the upcoming posts are going to be the winter ninja chronicles, with pictures and all that fun stuff.

The 1st to do list ( in the making , naturally) :

1. Snow shoeing.. How ironic we just " try to get into hiking" when the snow is days away.. snow shoeing will fix this dilema!

2. Wise guys comedy club- cuz everyone needs to laugh.

3. ROAD TRIP! Just when the winter has us on our knees and we just can't take it anymore, we will leave the snow and go to a much warmer climate. :)

4. Girls dinner! What girl doesn't like getting all fancy every now and again and turn a few heads in a nice restaurant?

5. Hot air balloon!!! Don't know if you CAN do that in the winter... but by George we will find out!

6. I think some sort of craft was mentioned.. i forget..

Obviously , the list is a little too short to last all winter. It is a work in progress :) Please let me know if you want to be included on any of the outings, or if you have any other ideas. Winter Ninjas for LIFE!!!... or at least this dreaded season. :)

reflections

Wow.... what a life! As I look back at my own personal history, I am amazed at the beauty of it all. Truly a crazy, ever-changing journey and I am so grateful for my own. I am so happy to know that I have lived. That I have loved and that I have....felt. The sweetest joy, irrevocable sorrow. I have experienced the deepest lonliness. The uncomfertable emptiness of being lost. I have felt the sacred warmth of someone loving me. I have felt the transformation of change, within my life and within myself. I have felt the sweetest happiness . The celebratory gaiety of togetherness. I have experienced so much and there is still so much to go. Even if it's not on this plane. I am so full of love tonight and want to share that with a few people.

Alex Simpson: Where to start with you my dear. You are my sister. I love you. And I care for you and your present and future. You are an amazing gift to the world and I am blessed to have you in mine :)

Chris Nickle: AMAZING. You amaze me. You are wise and you care. That is not always the case with people. I feel inspired by you and I look forward to an endless friendship with you.

To my Gina : You may be states away but you are in my heart! I am so proud of you and your journey! Never give up until you find the enlightenment you seek!

To all my brothers ( Sheldon, Cody, Nathan) Where the hell would I be without you guys? The most amazing group of men and they are my brothers!!! Such role models for me and for your children.. They couldn't have a better dad. I love you all so much.

Of course My mom: No one could ask for a better mother and best friend. Words could never describe how much I love you . Your happiness is my happiness and I want only the best things for you. I hope you know how much you are loved. I hope to be at least half of the mother that you have been.

To the family in laws ( sharon , wade and rysssa) Our paths have not crossed by coincidence. I love you three so much!! You opened up your home and hearts to me without hesitation, the world could learn from your kindness. thank you for all the love and laughter you have given to me. I am so blessed to be in your family.

Of course to Austin. Bubbaganoosh. Thank you for loving me just as I am. Thank you for never giving up on me. You pulled me out of a very dark place and have filled my life with light. You are my best friend and sweet lover butt. You have the other part of my soul.... thank God I found it ;P never change my love. I look forward to a life filled with you.

And to everyone else: Dan Dan , Rosa, falysia , mckel, Amber, Jessica and to everyone else I cant seem to name right now!... I LOVE YOU !!!! it's important to say that and I am not ashamed...

Peace and love to all. Thank you for being in my life,

Kim

Sunday Morning

I am laying in bed with my soft pink robe. Austin is sleeping soundly next to me, and it is wonderful. Sunday has always been my favorite day of the week. Saturday is fun but the energy is very busy. Everyone is out and about. Sunday energy is slow. So relaxed, so mellow. I get to spend the morning with my love and that no longer happens every day. I am grateful for this gift. I am grateful for the blessings the universe has bestowed upon me. I look forward to what today has to offer and hope to meet any challenges with a divine inner force. May you all have a wonderful Sunday!

Peace and Love,

Kim

Living Life... OR is it living me?

I have a yearning desire inside of me and it has been there since my earliest memory. It is a raw curiosity. A wonderment , without going completely off my rocker I dare say it is my destiny. I have a great purpose and it pulls me through this life. There are times when I detach from this reality and I can see the puzzle pieces coming together. It's so beautiful. Perhaps the most beautiful, and of course the most painful. I can only seen the pieces that are connected. I can see the shapes they make in my life and I can appreciate what it took to get them there. But I still can't see what the grand picture will be. that is the quest. that is the journey. Regardless, I am farther then some. I know there is a portrait jumbled in these pieces of my life. there is  a reason I am drawn to this or that, to say this or that. to meet him, to avoid her. It's all so cosmic. I started reading, to find the author that changed me. I got into legal trouble to awaken the sleeping dreamer inside of me. Oh how I have missed her. I have been interested astrology and physic phenomena because I have a gift in it. I feel this is going to lead me into the next phase in my life. This and writing. Which is why I started this blog. Trying to write my book.... is a struggle unlike anything I have ever faced. I can see it being published. I can almost feel it in my hands, and yet I develop some sort of temporary paralyses as soon as I sit down to write it... Better bite the bullet. 

Of course we always have the power to change the path, to decide differently. But I feel so connected with this force that I feel like it is drawing me towards my peace. to my fulfillment, to my enlightenment. 

That leads to a question.. What do you think? Am I the only one who feels this way ? Or do others feel and believe this is a cosmic universe... that confirms the belief that we are all connected.. 

Peace and love,

KIM.

The daily Grind

The one thing I have noticed about life since I have really started living it, is there will always be stress. There will always be deadlines, bills your trying to pay, things your trying to save for, places and people you are trying to get to, etc.. It is enough to keep us all tensed up, telling our selves " I'll be happy and have some fun once  "BLANK" is done with. But it's bull shit. What I am coming to realize is if we spend our whole life waiting to rejoice when the storm passes, we will never look up to see how beautiful the rain is . Yeah, My car is broken down, Yeah I had an absurd amount of court fines holding me back this month, but it's July. And I'm in love.I have a good job with good people where on most days, I make good money. I laugh.  I dance. I socialize. I have family and friends who never get tired of me. so my days off are always full. I am healthy. I'm not a drug addict. I am a dependable employee and I make an effort to PAY all my bills. Three years ago I could not have said most of these things. Life is a  process. Life is a journey. 

On my last group therapy session a woman asked the counselor " How long until it's better? (until my goals are reached and people trust me ?" To which her reply was" How long it takes, is how long it takes." 

 

It made me think. And my response to her is, isn't realizing and practicing the change enough? That is all we have control over. There will always be things we want to change, fix, improve. IF there wasn't life would be BORING! Can you imagine two weeks from now everything you wanted, worried about, etc. was EXACTLY how you want it in life. There was no problems, you had no worries or stress.... then what? Sure the first month may be amazing, but after that.... THEN what? 

I hope I make some sense with all this. But To be cheesy, Life really is in the journey. :) 

The seductive love of Nicotine

Recently ,  ( Ok...FIVE  days ago.) I quit a three year long habit... I QUIT SMOKING! I didn't use a single patch or a single piece of gum. I didn't take any medication... I stopped smoking cold turkey!! For anyone who has ever smoked cigarettes, you can understand what an accomplishment five days really is. So I thought, what a better blog post then to share my journey to a nicotine free life, as well as the information that inspired/helped me through. 

Pre-Quitting: Me and my fiance Austin decided we would quit smoking and use that money to join a gym and start implementing physical fitness into our lives. You know, change out a bad habit for a good habit and further balance out life to be all good and  happy. We picked August 1st ( as to mentally prepare of course) but we got so good at the mental preparation, we decided on July 15th that we would quit Friday, July 16th. Smoke like a chimney that Thursday prior, saying an almost tearful farewell to that private time and enjoyment only a cigarette break could give.

Day One: I awoke in the morning and the first thought to come pounding into my brain: " O my God, I can't smoke today." So I closed my eyes and went back to bed until 12:30 p.m. When I awoke I got ready for the day and started cleaning with more vigor I have ever known. The only  way I can explain how uncomfortable that first day was, is to compare it to the middle of a panic attack, combined with too much caffeine in your system, and if a bee continued to sting you in the ass to remind you you were outdoors. Went to work, had a million suckers and ripped a couple peoples heads off... but I DID it :) 

Day two: Way worse.  Is every single driver and inhabitant on this earth a completely selfish, inconsiderate , mentally challenged jackass? Or am I just in a bad mood? Don't talk to me if you want to keep your balls. 

Day three: Not so bad :D I want a cigarette but it's more a habit to think about one then an actual craving.... a few irritable moments but well , for the first time.... I feel.... BETTER. 

Day Four: Hardly any cravings! Pretty decent mood! and honestly a TON more energy! I feel better, more enthusiastic about life, and the self esteem that I am a total bad ass. 

Day five: Going strong :D First day I walked into work without even thinking about having a cigarette first.

Some facts and inspirational messages : 

90% of people who quit successfully quit cold turkey.

Only 1/3 of the people gain weight ( and you CAN control that ) 

a friend told me " You can come up with a million excuses, but if you have another cigarette now, it's because you're weak. "  That really kept me going.

I'm not trying to come off as someone holier then though, and every smoker should quit if they want to be as cool as me type of thing, but I am proud of this personal accomplishment  and wanted to share this journey. I have already saved an estimated $35 in just FIVE DAYS! yeah, that's how much we used to smoke. Five days and counting :D WOO!

The advice of strangers

Through my 22 years of life, one thing I have come to realize is the advice of strangers can stick with you better than any schooling. There are things that complete strangers have said to me in passing, that has helped me in my life, and been an echo in my thoughts for years to come. I figured for my first blog, I would share some of this candid insights. 

" What if the thoughts you are thinking right now are creating your future?"

- First meeting with an insightful mentor in my life.

"How you handle this moment is how you handle your life."

- same person as above.

" Be accountable for your choices. No one is responsible for where you are, and where you go in life except you."

- Strange red neck man I waited on a few days ago

" Men are assholes. Never let them tell you what to do and always make sure they wrap it. "

- Table I waited on